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                      SEX, LIES, AND NECROMANCY

                                  by

                    Daniel Parsons and Brandi Weed

                         Murphy's Eighth Law:
       If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
                        overlooked something.

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Jake woke up to the sound of a telephone ringing right in his ear; not
the most pleasant sound to wake up to.  Naturally, he stuffed his head
under the pillow and waited for it to go away and before he remembered
who he was and where he was and what he was supposed to be doing.

     Confused thoughts drifted through his mind.  'Wait... I'm an MI5
agent.  On a mission.  In a hotel.  No one knows I'm here.  Who's
calling on the phone?  Oh yeah, Angel gave them the number.'
     Just as he decided he should get the phone, Angel began banging
on the door, and her dulcet tones rang out in his ears.  "Jake, what
are you doing?  Answer the phone, it may be Mr. Samuels!"
     Fumbling for the night stand from under the pillow, Jake swore an
interesting oath he'd heard Ardrin mention the other day.  "Why would
Samuels be calling us?"
     "You won't know until you answer the phone, will you?  Now answer
it or I shall come in there and answer it myself, no matter what state
you're in.  And kindly mind your language.  You sound nearly as awful
as Ardrin."
     Jake finally managed to locate the phone, knocking it off the
stand and catching it neatly. "Hello?"
     "Jake, is that you?"
     "Yeah, speaking.  Janie?"
     "Yeah.  Listen, we'd like you guys to come up here to Glasgow.
We may have found something over in Mikleway."
     "Oh... ok."  Jake sat up and grabbed for his little notebook and
pencil.  "Whatcha got?"
     Angel's voice came through the door.  "Jake, who is it?"
     "It's Janie.  They found something in Mikleway and want us to
come up there."
     "Very well.  I'll go get us some tickets on the next train."
     Janie continued. "We spotted something shiny in the river, and it
looked too big and too shiny to just be garbage.  We think it may be
something, but we'd like you up here to see it."
     "Great!  We haven't found anything down here.  Well, some loony
old people, but that's about it."
     "Okay.  When can you get here?"
     "Uh..."  Fumbling for his watch, Jake tried to remember distances
and train tables, and eventually gave up. "Oh... how long did it take
you to drive?"
     "About four hours."
     "Then I figure 6 hours from here, maybe.  Yeah; should be there
around 2:30."
     "Great.  We're going to be going to the University of Glasgow to
interview Prof. Samuels, the one who was going to be in charge of the
Cray."
     "Sounds like a plan.  Okay, see you then."
     "Righto.  Bye!"
     On that cheery note, Jake gracelessly dropped the phone back onto
the receiver and collapsed back onto the bed.  Perhaps it would be a
good idea to just let this new information slowly soak in over just 5
more minutes of sleep...
     He awoke to sound of a delicate 'ahem'.  Angel was staring down
at him from the foot of the bed. "The train leaves in 10 minutes.  I
shall be on it.  Here's your ticket, I hope to see you there."

                            *     *     *

     The campus of the University of Glasgow was small, much smaller
than even the MI5 training compound had seemed, and all of the
buildings seemed very old indeed.  Ardrin had to park his Range Rover
three blocks away, so he and Janie talked as they walked through the
campus, looking for the Natural Sciences building where Professor
Samuels was waiting for them.
     "So..." Ardrin kicked at some ivy enshrouding the administration
building as they walked past. "These guys were supposed to be getting
a Cray?"
     Janie shrugged. "Maybe they've got a hot physics department.
Maybe they've got some real computer scientists here somewhere."
     "Maybe MI5 is a bunch of dimwits.  No way anyone could think this
place could support a Cray."
     "Mmmmm.  They sure don't look it."
     They wandered through the campus.  It was summer, so there were
very few people; just lots of sunlight, green grass, ivy, and no small
number of mosquitos.  Beyond a statue dedicated to some old guy who'd
founded the original college, a newer building came into view, with a
sign saying the Physics department was there.  Inside, there was a big
reception room with three department secretaries, lots of chromed
railing on the stairs, a pastel color scheme, and a big senseless
piece of abstract art on the wall.
     "I guess they do have a real physics department."
     "Ah, hello!  You must be them!"  A thin, pale man, about 40, had
suddenly appeared and was now shaking Ardrin's hand vigorously.  He
had thin wire-frame glasses and wore a white button-down Oxford, but
somehow it looked good on him. "I'm Ernest Samuels.  Ernest will do,
but please don't call me Ernie.  And you are...?"
     "Uh, I'm Ardrin, and this is my partner, Janie."
     "Janie?  Oh, yes!" With a broad smile, Samuels turned and took
Janie's hand. "A pleasure, young lady.  I don't suppose you know much
about the hallowed halls of academia?"
     Janie grinned a bit, and pried her hand out of Samuels's.
"Actually, I majored in Computer Science in college before I went to
the agency.  Can we talk in your office?"
     "Yes.  Let's get some privacy, and I will be happy to answer any
questions you wish to ask.  I am entirely at your disposal."
     Samuels' office was actually in another building; as a CS prof,
he was in a much smaller, less prestigious department, even though he
was to have been in charge of operating and maintaining the Cray.  The
office was fairly large, and on the forward corner of the building;
obviously a prestige office, but some amenities seemed lacking to
Janie's eye.
     "Uh... nice office, but there's no terminal in here."
     Samuels threw up his hands and nodded. "Old building.  They STILL
haven't laid the lines yet.  Actually, this building, like many on
campus, dates to the 16th century, and you find the damnedest things
if you go exploring in the corners, but even the electrical wiring
wasn't laid until after World War II, and hasn't been updated since.
The administration says the money is needed more for repairing the
dining hall and the dormitories, which admittedly are in terrible
shape, but that means no office terminals.  We professors have a small
room in the basement that has six terminals for our private use."
     "Great.  Now, Professor Samuels, we were wondering if --"
     "Say, if I might inquire, where did you study?"
     Janie blinked, and stammered, "Uh... Bristol College."
     "Ah, so you're from Bristol!  Wonderful little town.  I've been
through it many times. Always thought it was the most charming place."
     "I suppose, if you like textile mills.  Now, we wanted to ask you
about the Cray you were going to be receiving."
     "Ah, yes, the Cray.  I don't know what I can really say about it;
I was supposed to get it, but didn't.  The ship sank with all hands,
as I recall." Samuels laughed. "I hope you don't think I had anything
to do with it?"
     "No.  We just wanted to ask you a few questions."
     "Well, that's what I'm here for!  I suppose our government must
have been very upset about the loss - those things are quite costly,
after all.  Say, do you think foul play might have been involved?"
     Ardrin broke in. "We're not at liberty to discuss that,
Professor.  Actually, we were wondering if you had any idea why you
were chosen to maintain the computer?"
     Samuels leaned back in his chair, rolling a pen between his long,
quick fingers. "Well, I suppose it might be because I know something
about computers.  My father worked on the ENIAC, and I was always
around them as I grew up.  I've designed some systems myself; perhaps
you've heard of the Unti?"
     "Oh, yeah.  Didn't some Americans buy that and rename it?"
     "Yes, indeed.  It's made quite a pretty penny so far.  A very
popular system.  And, in addition to that, I've also some friends in
high circles who were able to recommend me for the Cray post.  The
fact that our University has a very well known Physics department,
which has actual legitimate uses for a Cray, was an extra incentive."
     Ardrin nodded. "Now, was there --"
     "In fact, why don't I take you back over there and you can look
the place over?  It's nearly time for tea, and they've a lovely tea
room there; I'd be very happy if you'd join me."
     "Well, ok."
     They walked back to the physics building, Samuels engaging Janie
in an animated conversation about computer architecture, and Ardrin
following glumly behind.  The room reserved for the Cray was down in
the basement; big, white, and empty.  Ardrin and Janie looked around
for a bit, until they'd satisfied themselves that there was nothing to
see, before joining Samuels at tea.
     All through their tea, Samuels continued to talk, on computer
programming, and architecture, and the history of the university (he
knew quite a few very funny anecdotes) and several other things to.
Janie kept up with him spiritedly, chatting about this that and the
other thing, while Ardrin sat there and wondered why something seemed
wrong with this particular tea setting...
     Then, he spotted it.  There was no tea cake, or scones, or any of
the normal tea stuff.  The only thing being served was chocolate chip
banana nut bread.
     He quietly excused himself, and nonchalantly wandered back to
back of the room, past pasty-faced grad students and bushy-bearded
professors, to the kitchen, where the fat woman who'd served the bread
was busy pouring more tea.
     "Uh, hi.  I was wondering, is this chocolate chip banana nut
bread you've been serving?"
     "Why, yes.  Do you like it?"
     "Yeah.  I think it's great," Ardrin lied.  "In fact, I was
wondering where I could get some for myself."
     "Here, have a box.  In fact, you can have all you like.  It's not
been very popular around here."
     Ardrin examined his sudden windfall. "Pillsbury.  I didn't know
they marketed anything here in England."
     "Don't you be calling this place England!  This is Scotland, and
ever more shall be, and don't you forget it.  No, I don't ever recall
seeing that brand before, and I don't mind if I don't ever again."
     "Oh, yes, Scotland.  So sorry.  Say, where did you get this?"
     The fat woman eyed him, and shrugged. "Dr. Samuels donated it to
the department a couple of weeks ago.  Very generous of him, but I
wish he hadn't been quite so generous."
     "Oh?  Did he donate several boxes?"
     The fat woman laughed, and motioned Ardrin to come back to the
store room.  With a flourish, she opened the door, and the pungent
miasma of bananas assailed Ardrin's nostrils.
     The room was packed.  To the roof.  Boxes and boxes and boxes of
mix, stacked on all the shelves, crowding out almost everything else.
It was an awesome sight, almost terrifying, hundreds of red and blue
boxes out to the ends of the room... Ardrin began to feel faint.
     "And there's more out back.  One of the students calculated it at
about 1000 kilos."
     "Good God."
     "So you see, you can have plenty.  Please.  And call me Mrs.
Drudge.  You just visiting here?"
     "Uh... yeah."  Ardrin was still staring, gears grinding inside
his head.
     "I thought so.  You look a little old to be a freshman.  Well,
you'd better take enough to last you a while, if you like it."
     Ardrin started backing away, shaking his head. "Oh, no, no, just
one box will be fine, Mrs. Drudge."
     "Oh, no, I can't have you going away empty handed.  Here, have
ten or so.  That's a good armful."
     "I really don't think I could eat that much, please..."
     "Oh, this stuff keeps just fine.  Here, here's a crate of it.
That's nice and convenient."
     Ardrin reluctantly accepted the big box, silently cursing the
name of Pillsbury. "Thank you, Mrs. Drudge.  Now, I hope you don't
mind, but I have to be getting back to my partner, er, travelling
companion now."
     Mrs. Drudge happily waved Ardrin away, and he staggered back to
the table and put the box down.  Samuels glanced up curiously.
     "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd stepped away.  What have
you got there?"
     "It's some Pillsbury banana bread mix," Ardrin said, shooting a
sharp look at Janie. "I liked it, so Mrs. Drudge gave me some."
     Janie started at the mention of the name, than her mouth framed a
silent "Oh" and she looked down at her plate of the stuff.
     "Well, good!  She's gotten her hands on rather a lot of it, and
it's not going over very well around here, so she's always happy to
find someone who likes it and will take some.  I must confess, I don't
favor it so much myself, and do wish she'd serve something else with
tea, but she insists that it's to be gotten rid of."
     "Certainly, sir." Janie stood. "Well, we really haven't anything
more to ask you, and we really should be on our way, so we'll be
taking our leave of you, and it was a pleasure to meet you, and hope
we'll be seeing you again soon."
     Samuels smiled very ingratiatingly. "I do hope so.  I'm looking
forward to seeing you again."
     Janie smiled a bit, then realized Samuels's gaze was directed
more at her chest than her face.  This surprised her; she'd never had
much to stare at there, or so she thought.  He also wasn't letting go
of her hand.  So, she tried a trick she'd learned at the academy: she
pried his thumb up with her own, then pressed down hard on the joint.
Hard enough to hurt.  Samuels twitched, more from surprise than pain,
and let go.
     "Thank you, sir.  Now good day."
     "Ah... good day to you two!"
     As they went up the elevator, Janie and Ardrin examined the box.
     "Check these serial numbers against the ship inventory?"
     "I'd bet my Range Rover they match.  Mrs. Drudge said Samuels
donated it.  And there was a lot of it; tons."
     "Oh, ho.  Now, how would a computer science professor pull off a
heist like this?"
     "The thing is, why would this computer science professor pull off
a heist like this?  If he was to be in charge of the computer, he
could do pretty much what he wanted with it as long as he kept it
quiet.  And whoever did this knows how to be quiet."
     Janie slowly nodded. "Yeah... I guess.  It doesn't really fit.
He's got no means and no motive that we know of.  Do we want to try a
background check?"
     "If the government wanted him to head a Defense Ministry project,
he's probably been triple-checked back to when he was a baby.  But
you're right, we should do one again, and try to get a search warrant
on him.  He's obviously been up to something."
     "Yeah.  Heh.  And here I thought he was just a geek."
     Ardrin smirked. "And you aren't?"
     "Hey!"
     "Anyway, that'll take at least until tomorrow.  We better go call
this in, then go meet Jake and Angel.  We still have to check out that
thing in the river in Mikleway."
     Janie considered stomping on Ardrin's foot. "Ok.  And just
because I know how to use a computer doesn't mean I'm a geek.  I was
talking with him, and that guy's a Geek with a capital G.  Which I
suppose is a good thing; when you're that big a geek, they'll pay you
a lot of money for it."
     "Yeah, whatever.  Let's go."


Daniel Parsons                                             Brandi Weed

                   Questions or comments to bweed@anubis.claremont.edu