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                      SEX, LIES, AND NECROMANCY

                                  by

                    Daniel Parsons and Brandi Weed

           Enjoy life while you can; there are no refunds.

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"Are you sure Angel told you 3:00?"
     Ardrin glared at the clock, which had stubbornly marched past
three almost an hour ago.
     "So the train's late.  It happens."
      "I hate waiting."
     "So have another biscuit."
     "They're crackers."
     "Crackers is what they say when you're insane, Ardrin."
     Ardrin slumped even lower in his chair and sullenly mangled the
polystyrene package the biscuits had come in.  Janie merely drummed
her fingers and wished she hadn't already read all the magazines.  The
train station was big and wide, with sparrows flying in and out of the
high open windows; the summer heat would have been intolerable without
the slight, pollution-laden breeze they afforded.  Other, happier
people came and went all around them, going to distant places, or
smiling as the greeted friends and family.  With a heavy sigh, Ardrin
tosses the biscuit package into the trash, and resumed staring at the
clock yet again.

     Jake fidgeted in his seat, staring ahead out the window. "I hope
they're not too mad."
     "I'm certain they'll understand.  And do stop squirming.  It
won't make the train go any faster.  Shall we play cards?"
     "I don't want to play any more."
     "Suit yourself.  We should be there very soon now."
     "That's what they told us half an hour ago."
     "And we're closer now than we were then.  Be patient."

     When Jake and Angel finally came in, more than an hour late, even
Janie couldn't help but give them both a slightly peevish glare.
Ardrin dropped his boots off the table and headed for the exit before
they'd even reached them.  "What the fuck kept you?"
     Angel softly sighed, and decided she was too tired to lecture
Ardrin on his language again, though she did afford him a disapproving
glance. "There was a delay at Brighton.  Someone called in with a bomb
threat, and the authorities wished to search everything."
     "I wish they'd announced it."  Janie glanced up at the ceiling.
"Not that you could tell even if they did.  The sound in here rots, of
course."
     "Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Can we get out of here, please?"

     Jake and Angel tossed their luggage in the back of Ardrin's Range
Rover, on top of the impressive pile of stuff already in there, and
the four of them piled in for the drive to Mikleway.  On the way,
Janie explained about the thing they thought they had seen on the
river bottom; they had no idea what it was, but it looked unusual, and
the fact that the tavern owner had denied its existence seemed to make
it something worth looking at.  The drive to Mikleway was uneventful,
Ardrin roaring past low hills, and old standing stones, buried in
green, green grass with lots of sheep.
     As they approached Mikleway, Ardrin stopped by a bend in the
road, opposite a deep ditch which surrounded a field of barley. "Ok,
according to the file, this is where they found the Caddy."
     Angel sniffed. "They appear to have cleaned it all up.  No reason
not to, really; no signs of any greater wrongdoing than drunken
irresponsibility."
     "Hooray for drunken irresponsibility."  With a smirk, Ardrin got
out and looked in the ditch.  "Can't even see tire tracks anymore.
There's some glass from the headlight.  Otherwise, nada.  Let's go."
     Mikleway, in the light of day, was such a benign-looking bunch of
buildings it was almost embarrassing to be investigating a crime
there.  The north side of the town rested right on the river, with a
long loading dock and warehouse.  Across the road on the western side
of town lay a large tavern and boarding house, two stories tall, with
white stucco walls and green painted shutters.  On the eastern side of
the warehouse there was a large general store, with displays of books,
and feed, and some bicycles, and other interesting things.  Several
low houses rested comfortably on the south side of town, nestled in
the high grass like biscuit boxes, all in a row.
     "What a charming place." Angel descended from the Range Rover,
dusting off the seat of her skirt. "Why look, that must be a tavern;
it even has a broom hung over the doorway."
     "Huh?" Janie blinked at the tavern. "It is a tavern.  I thought
the broom was just stored there or something."
     "No, no, Janie.  It's an old custom for houses selling draughts
and spirits to advertise that way.  I believe it dates to the 14th
century."
     "Cool." Jake vaulted out of the car and looked around. "Uh... the
river is that way, right?  Let's go look."
     A ship was unloading  crates of vegetables onto the dock; there
were a lot of workmen running around, so the agents could only stand
and look out into the water from the far end of the dock.  They all
peered out into the water, but could see nothing; either the angle of
the sun was wrong, or whatever had been there no longer was.
     "What's the name of this river, anyways."
     Ardrin looked on the map. "It's uh... the river Spie."
     "I can't see anything.  Where are we supposed to look?"
     Janie pointed it out for Jake. "Right about there, maybe 3 or 4
meters beyond that one piling.  I don't think they could have moved it
this fast; I think the sun's just not hitting it right."
     "I still can't see anything."
     "It might be a good idea," Angel said, "to rent a boat and go out
and have a look.  That way, it will be much easier to identify it."
     "I don't think they rent boats here."  Ardrin glanced back over
his shoulder at the small group of townies staring at them curiously.
"And I don't know if we want them to know what we're doing either."
     With a silent nod, everyone walked back to the car and drove away
to the east, down river.  After 10 minutes travel, they drove into the
town of Newtonmore.  Newtonmore was larger than Mikleway; there was a
traffic light at the crossing of the town's two main streets, and a
flagpole flying the British tricolor outside of one of the larger
houses.  There was also a boat rental down by the water, with five
rowboats in the water, including one with a glass bottom.  The sign
read "Boats - Donald Johnson, proprietor".
     "Can I help you, sirs and lady?"
     Janie sighed.
     "Actually, it's 'ladies.'  We'd like to rent a boat.  Got one
with an outboard?" Ardrin said.
     The rental owner looked at all of them, his eyes finally settling
on Janie. "Oh, dear.  I'm sorry, madam."
     "S'all right.  Happens all the time."
     "Why do you have a glass bottomed boat?" Jake was standing in the
boat, rocking it back and forth. "All you can see is river mung."
     The owner laughed, and firmly helped Jake out of the boat. "The
normal boats rent for 20 pounds a day, sir, and the glass-bottom is
25.  It's very nice for fishing, actually.  And I did have one with an
outboard motor, but I'm afraid it's down in the shop right now."
     "We could row, I imagine.  It's not terribly far."
     "I'd rather not, Angel.  Is there another boat rental?"
     "Nope.  Not unless you want to go up to Kingraid, about an hour
down river.  There's really not much business to support here."
     Ardrin sighed. "All right, we'll take one of the regular ones."
     "I think we'll need some oars, too."
     Angel paled for a moment, staring at Jake. "Excuse me, what did
you say?"
     Jake picked up an oar. "We'll need these."
     "Oh, yes, yes of course.  That's what I thought you said."  The
color returned to Angels face and she relaxed visibly.
     Janie stared incredulously at Angel, then grinned. "What'd you
think he said, Angel?"
     "Never mind.  Shall we?"
     "Yes.  Janie, could you drive my car back to Mikleway?  That way
we can just drive the boat back when we're through."
     "Right-o."
     And so, Angel, Jake, and Ardrin disembarked.  There was some
difficulty, however; not one of them had ever handled a boat before.
Mr. Johnson watched from the shore with thinly veiled amusement as
they tried to reason out how to handle the little boat properly.
     "Are you having trouble, there?"
     "Naw.  This is the Spie; we're Spie-zing!"
     It took them almost an hour to row to Mikleway against the
current.  Ardrin voiced his very firm opinion that they should have
driven the boat to Mikleway too, but it was too late to do anything
about it by that time.  Once they were opposite the dock, they stopped
and peered down into the depths.  About 5 meters down in the green,
muddy water, a large object could be seen very faintly.  All they
could see for sure was its color, a bright yellow.
     As soon as they stopped, they began to drift downstream again,
but soon hit upon a solution.  They rowed to the dock, and tied a
length of rope they found there to the prow of the boat, and the other
end to a piling.  Janie would throw them a line to loop around the
prow, letting out more if they needed it, while the others steered the
boat out above the object and Jake dove down to have a look at it.
     Janie stood on the dock, watching her companions.  Their
ineptitude was sadly obvious, especially to the locals.  Eventually,
as they didn't seem to need her help anymore, her attention wandered,
and she started glancing over the displays at the general store.  One
of them had several watches, including a pocket watch with a clear
face, so you could see the works inside.  Janie, after a glance at her
companions to see if they were doing all right, went over to look, for
just a moment; watches and other mechanical things fascinated her so,
and some of these looked very interesting indeed.
     Meanwhile, out on the water, Jake was having some trouble diving
to the boat; he had done well in swimming, but never did any diving.
*Glub!* "Gaaah!  How do you keep water from getting in your nose?"
     Angel shrugged. "I really wouldn't know.  I never even learned
how to swim."
     Back on the dock, several of the locals were laughing out loud at
them.  A few held up some hand drawn signs: 0.3, 1.7, 0.001, and 0.9.
     "Neither did I.  Damn it.  Try holding your nose."
     "I need both arms to swim!"
     "Try exhaling so you're heavier."
     "I don't think I'll have enough air.  It's pretty deep here."
     "Try it.  Ardrin, loop the rope through that ring in the prow so
he can hold onto the other end."
     "Ok.  Janie, get us some more rope.  Janie?"

     Janie was nowhere to be seen.  Inside the general store, Janie
was poring over the Swiss army knife display. "Hey!  You've got one of
those ones with the eyeglass screwdriver in the corkscrew.  That thing
is so neat!"
     "Yes we do, ma'am.  We even sell it separately."
     "Cool.  I need one for my glasses.  Say, what's your name,
anyway?  I'm Janie Calder."
     "I'm Tom Johnson, ma'am.  The screwdriver is five pounds."
     "Johnson?  I thought you looked familiar.  Do you have a brother
who owns a boat rental down the river?"

     "I think she's wandered off." Angel made a face. "I knew she
could be rather flippant, but I had at least expected her to be more
reliable than this."
     "Never mind.  Jake, just dive, ok?"
     Taking a deep breath, Jake ducked under and struggled downwards
through the muddy water. Determined to make it this time, he struggled
mightily against the current into the depths.  As he approached the
thing, its shape finally became clear: it was a large piece of heavy
equipment, probably an earth mover.  A few meters away upstream, Jake
saw the dim shape of another one, covered in mud and silt.  Satisfied,
he pushed off and headed back to the surface.
     On the dock, the laughter and rude comments abruptly stopped.
Ardrin and Angel looked up to see that a huge man had quietly walked
out onto the dock.  He was well over 190 cm tall, and about 100 kilos
of solid muscle.  His blonde hair was cut short, military style, and
his deep tan spoke of travel abroad.  Very quietly, he regarded the
pair of agents, his gaze hidden behind a pair of American aviator's
sunglasses.  His confident detachment was almost chilling.
     "Oh, my." Angel openly stared. "I wonder who this fellow is to
attract such attention."
     "I have no clue.  He's not local, that's for sure."
     "I really didn't think so."
     With a splash, Jake broke the surface and gasped. "Ha!  Hey,
guys, it's an earth mover!  I think it's something else from the
shipment."
     Without any fuss, the blonde man turned and walked back into
town, followed by the majority of the townsfolk.  Janie peered out of
the door of the general store.
     "What's happening?"
     Suddenly, Angel began to feel very nervous. "I think something
very bad.  Let's get to shore."
     Ardrin pulled Jake up, then rowed for shore. "Who do you think
that guy was?"
     "I have no idea.  But I have a suspicion I should have looked at
the description of that Mr. Finger fellow more closely."
     "Finger?  Who's this guy?"
     "Janie and I think he might have a connection with Ash, that
suspicious crew member on the _Caduces_.  I dearly hope it isn't him."
     Janie pulled the rope in, and the others stepped onto the dock
and quickly made their way to Ardrin's Range Rover, which Janie had
parked beside the general store.  But when they got there, the car's
rear end was resting on the ground.  Both of the rear tires had been
slashed.
     "Oh, fuck.  When I find out who's been messing with my car..."
     "Ardrin, please find another time to worry about your car.  We'd
better call in to get someone to help us."
     Jake dried off and put his shirt back on. "Is there a phone?"
     "I saw one in the tavern last night."
     Angel nodded. "I'd better go ring someone up, then.  Jake, will
you come with me?"
     "Sure.  Let me get my shoes, and I'll be right with ya."
     As soon as Jake finished dressing, the two walked down Mikleway's
main street towards the tavern.  The street was otherwise quiet and
deserted.  The shutters of the tavern's windows were all closed up
now, and the door was wide open. They could see the blonde man inside,
talking with the tavern master.  He looked up as they approached,
staring at them coldly.
     Angel almost grabbed for her sidearm as she walked in the door.
"Pardon me, but --" She did not complete her question; before she
could say another word, someone hit her over the head from behind.
Through a blaze of pain, Angel could only pick out a few words of what
was being said around her.
     The tavern master roared, "Davey!  You weren't supposed to hit
her unless she pulled a gun!"
     "Uh... uh... I'm sorry, Mr. Brand!  You said I... uh..."
     Jake dropped to one knee and levelled his gun into the tavern.
"Ok, uh... freeze!"
     No one in the tavern moved but the blonde man.  With an icy grin,
he slipped behind the tavern master, then out the back door.

     On the other side of town, Ardrin looked around the corner at the
tavern.  Without a word, he opened the back of his car and pulled out
one of the side panels.
     "What happened?"
     "There might be gun play," Ardrin said, pulling an M1 .30-06
rifle from behind the panel. "Good thing I came prepared."
     Janie made a small choking noise as Ardrin cocked the huge gun.
"Gack!  Where'd you get that thing?!"
     Ardrin smirked. "Hey, I have a hunting license."
     Janie got her own sidearm out, and looked around the other corner
of the building.  On the dock, two townspeople were approaching, both
with rifles.  They looked like rabbit guns.
     Ardrin heard a window open in one of the houses to the south, and
the unmistakable sound of an Uzi chattering.

     Jake dropped to the ground as he heard the Uzi, and bits of wood
flew off the exterior of the tavern next to him.  He looked around,
spotted the open window, and quickly crawled behind a tree, leaving
Angel alone on the floor of the tavern.
     Angel looked up, just as the baseball bat was coming down.  She
rolled out of the way as it came crashing into the floor, and crawled
under a table, groping for her gun.
     Ardrin got behind the fender of his car, taking aim at the house
where he'd heard the Uzi.  He could see other people moving in the
windows.
     Janie leaned around the northern corner of the general store,
taking aim at the two townspeople. "Hold it right there!" But one of
them had already taken aim, and fired.  The bullet ripped into her
shoulder, sending her spinning back onto the hood of Ardrin's car.
     Jake looked around the tree at the house, then darted for a bush
closer in.  He sprinted quickly, keeping close to the ground, but did
not see someone else in the warehouse, taking aim.
     Angel, fighting through the red fog over her mind, clumsily
grabbed her pistol from its holster and fired three shots into the
big, clumsy looking farm boy's chest as he was raising the bat again.
Someone in the tavern screamed, and the boy stumbled back, a look of
confusion and pain on his face, before silently dropping the floor.
     Janie slid off the hood of the car to the ground, clutching at
her shoulder in agony.
     Ardrin caught sight of the man with the Uzi, and fired.  The
reassuring kick of the heavy rifle slammed into his shoulder; the
window shattered, so he couldn't see if he hit.
     Jake sprinted out from behind his bush, but it was the last thing
he ever did.  A shot blasted out of the warehouse; a very loud shot,
from a very large gun.  The impact hit him full in the chest,
shattering his sternum and spine, and sending most of his heart and
lungs splattering to the ground.  He flew through the air for over two
meters, before dropping like a rag doll in the dirt.
     As that shot thundered out, Janie suddenly pulled herself back to
reality.  Fear mastered her pain; she transferred her gun to her left
hand.
     Ardrin's eyes widened. "What the fuck was that?"  He'd seen Jake
get hit, and he wasn't moving.  He fired one more quick shot into the
house, this time being rewarded with a shrill cry.
     Angel stood up, shaking and staring at the boy.  Then she whirled
and leveled her gun at the people in the tavern. "Nobody move!"  They
all complied, staring at her in wide-eyed fear.  From behind the
tavern, she faintly heard a car start.
     Janie sat up, and looked around the corner.  The two townspeople
were still approaching, staring at her as though they couldn't quite
believe what they were doing. They didn't even have their guns trained
on her.  Not looking a gift horse in the mouth, Janie opened fire,
hitting one in the throat.  He gurgled and fell of the dock into the
river.
     Ardrin suddenly heard a noise above him, and looked up at the
roof of the store.  A townsperson was up there, looking like he had
been trying to jump down on him.  Quickly, Ardrin whirled and shot,
hitting him in the leg.  He screeched and fell back onto the roof.
     Angel looked around the room.  There was the tavern master, two
other men, two older women and a young girl, who looked about ten, all
staring at her.  "All of you lie down on the floor, with your hands
over your heads."  They quickly complied.
     Janie leveled her gun at the other townsperson.  He stared back
at her, and made a small whimpering noise as he dropped his gun.
"Please, please, don't shoot, don't shoot, I didn't shoot..."
     Ardrin charged around the corner, running along the dock towards
the warehouse where he'd heard that big gun fire.  On his way past, he
knocked the townsperson down and kicked his gun into the river.
     Another shot from the big gun thundered through the village; the
edge of the tavern doorway, right next to Angel, shattered into tiny
pieces, leaving a hole the size of her head.  Angel dropped down into
a crouch and started crawling towards the back of the tavern.
     Janie painfully got up, and approached the townsperson, who was
lying on the dock crying.  She shifted her gun to her right hand, and
handcuffed him using her left.
     Ardrin ran to the corner of the warehouse.  Inside, he could see
four people, three of whom looked local, and the other, a pudgy man
with a beard and what looked like an elephant gun.  As soon as he saw
him, he aimed and fired into the man with the gun as fast as he could.
     Angel reached the back door of the tavern.  Behind it lay a
kitchen, also with a back door.  Out the door, she could see a black
Caddilac driving away, already too far away to fire on.
     After the man had stopped twitching, Ardrin stopped.  He lay in
rags.  The townspeople were staring in shock and horror at the
extraordinary quantities of blood splattered about the room.
     Just as suddenly as it had begun, the silence descended again.
Mr. Johnson opened the door of his shop once, but shut if quickly when
Janie screamed and leveled her gun at him.  The agents stood panting
and staring at the carnage, while around them, the children, and many
of the adults, began crying.


Daniel Parsons                                             Brandi Weed

                   Questions or comments to bweed@muddcs.claremont.edu